


Where did I go wrong?

by AngstCake43



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cheating, F/F, Pregnant, oc child - Freeform, time skip
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-03-29 13:51:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3898702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngstCake43/pseuds/AngstCake43
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Annie comes back home after six years, with a child, born a bastard. A child born out of lies and heartache, Mikasa had no idea that this was the reason why Annie had broken up with her six years ago. Annie promised herself no more, that her child deserved all her love and she couldn't spare a single drop. Not to even Mikasa.</p><p>It's too bad Annie has never been one to keep promises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I gripped my daughter’s tiny hands in mine, my breath came out fast and short. I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. I stared into those turbulent grey eyes once more, feeling like eighteen again. What were the chances in this city for me to have bumped into her? Of all people? But her gaze was unsteady, unlike her, like faded memories of when we broke up. When I broke up with her. She gazed down at little Sammy and then at me, making my heart flip-flop every time she looked at Sam. She opened her mouth, gaping once, then twice, then she went underwater again, silenced, waiting for me to drag her to the surface. I swear it almost looked like she was saying _Annie_. I swallowed air eagerly before speaking.

“It’s been awhile.” I could see her usually passive facade crumble and wither away; anger, sadness, confusion, it became hard to tell what expression she was making. She didn’t say anything, just flicked her eyes between me and Sammy, tearing at me every time her gaze left me. I tried again.

“Doing some clean up. Dad left the house to me when he passed away.” I glanced down at Sammy. I hoped my gaze tore at her as well. “To us.” Her murky eyes bore into me, as deep as the ocean. It felt like I was drowning under her gaze.

“I heard about that, I’m sorry for your loss.” Her fists clench. “You going to stay then?” _Why did you leave me?_ I heard both of them, and I didn’t know how to answer either.

“Probably, maybe.” I hesitated, fought the urge to run away. I ended up losing. “I don’t know.” I see her jaw clench and her teeth grind against each other, talking into her cheek. I shrugged the arm holding the groceries. Maybe I should put them down, this could take a while. She didn’t miss the gesture, she stained a smile onto her pale face and I heard the sounds of farewell ring in the distance.

“Well for now, I hope you enjoy your stay here.” _Leave, you’re not welcome here._ “I’ll see you around.” And she strode away. I held in tremors as Sammy clung to me, sensitive to the air that adults bring, the kind she couldn’t understand. Sometimes I felt like a child as well. The corner of her mouths drooped and she held out her arms.

“Mommy, who was she?” I cradled her into my shoulder so she didn’t have to see how tired I looked. I patted her back for a while, bouncing in the middle of the pasta aisle, smiling back at sympathetic parents who thought they understood why I looked so haggard. I took short glances at my silver-stained watch: thirteen minutes for Sammy to be calm enough to walk on her own. I set her down gently and rubbed the salty tears away, looking as tired as I felt. She asked the same question again, determined to get an answer.

“An old friend.” _Mikasa._ “C’mon, mommy can’t hold you and the groceries. Help me find the cereal you love so much and we can go home and finish your episode of _Spongebob._ ” She brightened immediately and I felt a little lighter as well. Sam scrambled off with a slight bounce to her step, eager to get home and cuddle with me while watching her favourite cartoon character.

I wish my problems could be solved with cereal, cuddles, and cartoons.

There was a time when Mikasa had come to my house, smashed apart the bone dead silence that lived in my walls. Disappointment and frustration rolled off her in waves and not a single drop of that could be seen on her face. I shivered at that raw display of control, something only I could appreciate. Normally she had a presence so powerful you couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She was silent as she crashed through my cupboards, glided into the living room where I waited for her, cereal gripped in her hands. After she shuffled the Kellogg’s flakes down her throat, refueled herself, she migrated down to the basement. I knew what happened next.

I stripped down to my boxer briefs and tank top, stretched and jogged down, ready for a fight when she threw the first punch. We danced. We always did when she was frustrated. She would tell me later that her track and field coach was being sexist and unfair again, but then and there, we were just two burning souls with a taste for blood. I didn’t complain. When we were too exhausted to move, bruised from the force of our own kicks and punches, laying close to each other, relishing in the feeling of a thumping heart, we would talk over the sound of _Bugs Bunny_ reruns that played on my old cassette player.

I loved her then.

I held Sammy close to my heart as she silently chewed while being enamored by a yellow sponge I never really understood. But he made my little Sam happy so I didn't complain as she dragged me under the covers of a ratty quilt to watch with her. A giggle bubbled out of her and my chest vibrated with it. If I didn’t think too much, it almost felt like I was laughing with her. But I was too distracted with grey eyes and jet black hair to really endorse myself in content.

She cut her hair. She was a little taller. She had a ring on the fourth finger of her left hand.

Sammy fell asleep while listening to the sounds of my breathing and beating heart, I swathed her in the quilt I grew up with and carried her to our room. We shared one because these walls were mute to this day and Sammy was scared of the stillness. A soft jingle from her neck was proof of her tiny ingenuity. A bell necklace so she would never suffer in silence. Mikasa also liked the sound of bells. It wasn’t the same but she hung wind chimes from her window. Said it reminded her of home: Japan. Mikasa could remember the warmth of her parents and the blistering heat of summer from her hometown. It was her only reminder.

The bell around Sammy’s neck jingled quietly as she tossed and turned in her sleep, troubled by demons I couldn’t see. I hoped I could keep still enough for her not to be bothered by my demons as well.

~

The first day of kindergarten for Sammy wasn’t good. I got a phone call from an anxious young teacher- _new to the job and hadn’t ever had to deal with a child so fussy_. I lifted the corners of my mouth at her in pretend thanks. It seemed to soothe her and she slipped into her perfect nice-teacher mold again. I used to love my teachers. Sammy grappled at my face and cried just like when she was barely one night old. She was always a little fussy. I calmed her down in the way that only mothers could; she blubbered about a missing green crayon. I promised I would buy one for her on the way home. I had to find a job soon. The money I saved up from my old job could only take us so far.

I sent an apologetic text to Armin, my only friend and supporter in this town: _Sorry, picking up Sammy, I’ll be an hour late._ There was always Bertholdt to turn to but-- I looked at Sammy and saw his brown eyes and freckles. I wondered where she got her temperament from.

It didn’t help that when Sammy cried her brown eyes shifted under glassy tears and spun an illusion to make them look like a dull black; almost grey. Her tiny fists beat against me as she got angry at me for losing her favourite green crayon. I crooned in her ear and stroked her blonde hair. It would probably turn brown when she got older.

She slept in the crook of my arm as I carried her away from the school and to safety. How would I survive without her when I get a job? I drove to the pizza place I used to spend my weekends at: washed out and greasy but had the best pizza in town. I always got extra cheese while Mikasa got beef-pepper-anchovies-olives-and everything else. She had an appetite but you would never guess from the stoic and stiff way she moves that she’s even human. Seeing human!Mikasa was always my favourite Mikasa.

I barely recognized her yesterday.

I ordered a milkshake to share with Sammy, she wasn’t old enough to have one all to herself yet. She didn’t complain though. I scanned the sparse crowd, it wasn’t hard to find that blonde head. He had grown his hair out, long enough for him to put it up in a ponytail. He looked scholarly, not unkempt or messy at all. He had blue eyes just as vibrant as mine--we could be cousins. They lit up when he caught my gaze. I shuffled Sammy to “Uncle Armin” where she greeted him meekly and hid behind my jean-clad legs. She had no fabric to grapple onto today. She fiddled with her bell instead, her red fingers that clutched it dimmed the chime. Armin smiled at her fondly and sincerity dripped out of his eyes like melted frost. I felt ashamed as a mother. It didn’t take long for her to feel comfortable with him. 

She sat beside her Uncle - Sammy insisted and Armin said it was okay - stealing his fries when she thought he wasn’t looking. I didn’t know he was so good at acting. If he didn’t smile down at her every time she stole a fry, I would’ve thought my little Sammy was turning into a thief. When Sam couldn’t hold her bladder any longer she rushed off to the washroom, crooning at Armin at how big of a girl she is, now she can go to the bathroom alone. Armin gave her an appropriate amount of enthusiasm and praise for it to have felt genuine. When she was safely out of hearing distance his gaze froze, hardened like ice. I wanted to ask what job he ended up in.

“I heard you bumped into Mikasa” From Eren probably, Mikasa always told him everything, she used to tell me everything else. I nodded stiffly. Armin sighed, folded his napkin in triangles, unfolded it and folded it again. Over and over. Armin used to tell me that Mikasa and I were a miraculous pairing. We were both indifferent, stiff and expressionless. 

At least I’m not a robot.

“It was at the grocery store, Sammy was there.” Armin nodded at that, as if he understood exactly what had happened and what I dealt with. It scared me how fast he understood when I hadn’t even said anything yet. I changed the topic of the conversation against my will.

“What are you up to?” I scrapped at the remainders of a milkshake with the plastic straw. “The last time we saw each other you said you were going into the medical program.” He stared into my eyes, his looked like big blue lakes. I could see myself reflected in his eyes; my bun was falling apart.

“No, I’m taking a year off. I can afford it right now, my grades are sufficient.” _I’m top of my class._ “Eren and Mikasa are going through some big changes this year.” I remembered the ring on her finger.

“Oh?”

“Mh, Eren is thinking of proposing and marrying in the same year. But he’s getting a bit ahead of himself.” He paused to consider something, and I couldn’t see myself anymore. “Although I think Sarah’s been waiting on him. It’s almost been five years.” I shrugged.

“Congratulations for him.” _What about Mikasa?_ I didn’t crack, I didn’t relent to the me that was in love with her six years ago. She’s not the same anymore. She’s got someone else now. I felt his careful gaze on me, waiting for me to ask. He knew I wanted to. I almost gave in.

Sammy came back laughing loudly, paddled her way over to us, and vied for some attention. I stood up and swung her around, praising her for what a good girl she was. She giggled in my arms, and I’m glad her bad mood from earlier is completely gone and she seemed to have forgiven me. I wondered if Sammy instinctively knew when I was in trouble and came running back to me.

After Armin paid for his food we stood outside our favourite pizza joint, both of us glassy-eyed from good memories. It was summer so early evening is still hot, in a couple of hours when the sun set, the concrete would still be warm if you laid on it. You could see nighttime stars, it wouldn’t be much in the middle of the city but if you were still for long enough you could see them. 

“Do you have a job yet?” Armin never said anything without purpose. I shook my head, and found myself hoping.

“No, I was supposed to go job hunting today but…” I shrugged and Armin nodded. He didn’t have a child himself but he seemed to know what it entailed. Maybe he’d been watching me since day one, kept his ice blue eyes on me even though I was on the other side of the country.

“Here,” He scribbled out a number and address. “They’re a pretty prestigious grill and they’re looking to hire a waitress. The tip alone is enough for you to live on.” He had a look in his eyes that I couldn’t read. “Jean runs it now so he’ll hire you for sure.” That raised an eyebrow. Jean had a crush on Mikasa way back when. But then when Mikasa and I got together he suddenly came to us, blubbered about how courageous we were.

He came out the next day as bi, hand in hand with Marco. I wondered if they were still together. They used to be inseparable. Even when Marco got into that accident. Jean didn’t budge when he discovered Marco couldn’t get anywhere without a wheelchair and half his face was burnt. I thought that I would do the same for Mikasa.

I took the slip of paper, and thanked him. Sammy was already buckled into the car, playing with her greenless-crayons. I pried open the rusty door, as old as I was. A car I found waiting to be used in the garage when we got here. It looked like dad prepared it just for us before he passed away. When I saw that, I thought that maybe he did love me after all. Despite the fact that he sent me away to live with my aunt when he discovered I was pregnant with Sam without a father. Actually, if I think about it, I might’ve begged him to send me away.

It was odd how the living haunted me more than the dead.


	2. Chapter 2

Armin was right. When Jean saw me, he exclaimed how long it had been, that six years is far too long. I told him I needed a job and he hired me on the spot, didn’t even spare a glance at my meticulously crafted resume. I started training right away, there were only a couple of elderly folk loitering around. Nothing a careful attentive eye couldn’t fix. There was hardly anyone who wanted a heavy meal in the early afternoon. I quickly learnt that Marco was manager--they _did_ stay together--and that Christa was also a waitress here. 

I didn’t know anyone at my old workplace.

Christa was ecstatic when she saw that I had come back. I wondered if I was really popular enough for me to run into so many people from my past in this urban city. Then I remembered that look in Armin’s eyes. I decided to get my revenge later in a more appropriate fashion.

“When did you get back into town?” She showed me where the half-aprons were. My uniform for the rest of my life. “We were all so shocked when you left so suddenly and uhm… you and...” I ignored her sympathetic and curious looks. I knew she wanted to ask why I came back, why I left in the first place. An awkward bubble fractured the air around us. I decided that ‘awkward’ didn’t suit us.

“Where do I put the orders into the kitchen?” Christa seemed relieved at my change in topic, even though she was the one to bring up the past in the first place. She bounced over to the bar and showed me the computer that had a list of all the orders. If I hit enter the order would come out on a receipt for the head-chef to see. I shrugged, it seemed pretty standard. 

I quickly fell right into place at the grill. As afternoon rolled by, I told Marco I had to leave to pick someone up, that I would be here tomorrow all day. He seemed as understanding as usual. I wondered if Armin would be willing to babysit Sammy. He seemed infatuated by her, I would be glad if Sammy grew up thinking of him as something like a father. I didn’t want her to grow up in an empty house like I did. I tried calling him before picking Sammy up, might as well try now. His phone rang five times before I heard a voice that didn’t belong to Armin, but I recognized it. His voice had changed a lot, deeper and a lot scratchier as well, probably because of his temper.

“Hello?” But unmistakably, that was Eren on the other line. The brother that adopted both Armin and Mikasa into his family. I froze up. I still remembered his fury. I rubbed at my nose, a small bone jutted out in the middle, more prominent than it used to be in my teenage years. It took months for it to heal properly. I found myself hoping Sammy could find a sibling that’s just as protective of her. I played dumb, hoping he couldn’t recognize my voice anymore.

“Hi, is this Armin Arlet’s phone?” He didn’t notice. The thought of me even calling Armin after what I did would be a preposterous idea.

“Yea, who is this? Why do you need to talk to him?” He was just as crude as ever and I didn’t get the chance to snap back at him. I heard a commotion in the background, a muffled exchange told me that Armin had returned and that safety was on the other side of the line. I still felt a little shaken though. If we met again, would he punch me?

I made a mental note to remember: This time I will punch back.

“Sorry about that, who is this?”

“It’s Annie. I need you to babysit Sam tomorrow all day, it’s my first day at the grill and I don’t know if I can find a babysitter before then.” He hesitated.

“I can do tomorrow but after that…” _I’m busy, I don’t have time to be a parent yet._ I nodded, forgetting that he couldn’t see the gesture.

“I know. I’ll find someone before then.”

“What about Reiner?” I almost smiled because of how considerate he was.

“Yea, he’s coming over later tonight so I’ll ask him then. He still works nights at the construction site, right?”

“Yea.” I heard a door open and close, a slightly more feminine voice could barely be registered. Armin panicked. “Anyway, tomorrow, I pick her up at 2:45 at Ranch Elementary right?” He didn’t wait for an answer because he was right. “Okay don’t worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow after your shift.” And the line went dead.

Reiner was the only one I had stayed in contact with. I couldn’t face Bertholdt after what happened, but Reiner was still the brother I never had. He was the one I called when I didn’t think I could raise Sammy on my own anymore. I only knew him by voice. He had probably grown taller like everyone else had.

After I picked Sammy up--day two at kindergarten was a lot better for her--we went to the park, her hands clutched around a new crayon set I had bought her, the kind with sixty-four different colours, so that if she lost one green she had at least ten other ones to lose as well. I was lucky that she wasn’t selfish. All she needed was some paper and colours and she could be entertained for hours. Maybe she would become an artist when she grew up. I wouldn’t mind.

But when she saw the giant playground that my mom and dad used to take me to, she shoved her new box of crayons into my arms--warning me to keep them safe--and ran to play with the other kids. She almost fell in her excitement, and stumbled to catch herself. She hadn’t had the time to enjoy the company of other children comfortably. She was too shy to earnestly play around strangers. She laughed and squealed like she did before our move here, I felt bad for her. She’d been crying so much lately and I hadn’t paid attention.

Sweet scented air drifted through the vivid green park, a colourful play set surrounded by gently grown birch, a concrete pathway behind it for the odd jogger or biker. It looked like a fairy-tale and just like in a fairy-tale, my first kiss with my “first true love” was here. Except it was winter, the bitter cold made her cheeks red; it matched her signature scarf. Wearing it in the summer made her too warm and in the winter it was too cold but she wore it anyway. It was that special to her. It meant even more when she offered to share it. We were so close, she wrapped her scarf around me and pulled me into her. Her lips were warm and her fingers were cold. I thought we would last forever. We came back to this playground for two years until we didn’t. Maybe she still comes here. I could never come here without Sammy.

“Mommy look!” A little blob of energy bounced and I smiled when we made eye contact. I stood and walked closer to her, kissed her forehead, thought it smelt like apples. She shook with playful giggles and ran away when I tried to smother her with kisses. Worry spiked through me when she reached for the monkey bars, instinct told me to stop her but her excitement told me to stand back and watch. Lo and behold, her arms stretched a meter long and swung her right across the whole set six jingles later. New acquaintances squealed behind her, her jaw stuck out and her brow was furrowed in concentration. Her arms were shaking from the effort when she stumbled onto the ground. Milky brown eyes looked up at me and I suddenly had my arms wrapped around me, howling with her.

“When did you grow up so fast?” She giggled at me.

“Mommy, I was always big and strong!” I kissed both of her cheeks, perched her on my arms. I hoped she wouldn’t turn out to be as short as I was. I smiled at her and nodded.

“Okay, but don’t you get too big and strong for your mommy ‘kay?” She grabbed at my cheeks and chimed with small giggles, just like the bell around her neck.

“Okay mommy.” She kicked her legs excitedly and I set her down again, letting her rejoin the little crowd of children who admired her strength, eager to try themselves. Her blonde hair fluttered behind her, almost like wings. I held back the urge to scoop her into my arms again. Instead I pulled out my phone and looked up babysitters with manageable rates.

On the way home the sky was stained with ruby and it matched Sammy’s face, splotchy and peach from all that playing and excitement, her eyes still wild with excitement. But with all that energy comes a cost and I ended up carrying a sleeping Sam into the house, and not even five minutes later our doorbell rang. I was caught off guard for a moment; I didn’t even know we had a doorbell.

Reiner _did_ end up getting taller, his shoulders were broader, and somehow he stacked on a couple more pounds of muscle than I remembered. His arms were so big they threatened to tear at his too-small t-shirt. Before I even had the chance to say “hi” he swooped me up into his thick arms and hugged me tightly. I felt like I was choking in muscle. I could still keep up with him in a sparring match though. Hopefully. I couldn’t remember the last time I had sparred with someone. We had the time to figure that out later. I took gulping breaths when he finally set me down, I didn’t have to look at him to know he was examining my 6-years-later look. I liked to think I looked good for a 24-year old. 

“You look a lot older.” He guffawed and it shook the ground beneath us and I heard a tiny tingling, alerting me that Sammy was awake again. I scowled at Reiner and hit his chest.

“Shut up.” He sobered immediately and I gave his grizzly face a once over. He looked like soldier, but he had the attitude of a little kid. Nothing like Armin. I just had to wait and see if Sammy would warm up to him as quickly. I was wearing sweats so when Sammy padded up to me, scared by Reiner’s presence, she clung to me like a baby koala. She stayed like that for most of the evening, even when Reiner pulled out some Chinese take-out he had picked up for us to eat together. 

Reiner noted the moving boxes--still left un-opened--crowding up the hallway with a lifted eyebrow. He didn’t comment on it until I pulled plates out of a box.

“Still settling in? I could help you unpack.” I grunted in response, maneuvering around without lifting my left leg too much.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I mean, you are staying right?” I shrugged.

“I’m not sure, Reiner.”

“It’s because of her right?” I almost tripped over a box. I settled plates onto my old dining table and dumped the food from the paper boxes onto glass plates. He snorted, as if I had somehow answered his question. “You and her both.” He stabbed at a dumpling. “So stubborn.”

I ignored him promptly, Reiner wasn’t stupid enough to try and push it any further. We watched some football on the TV, caught up with each other’s lives, and he ended up needing to go to work late into the night. Sammy had just managed to warm up to him and was curled up between us, sleeping quietly. He agreed to try and babysit her the day after. I tried not to think too much about the what-if.

The weather forecast played in the background as I tucked Sammy into our bed, her bell interrupting the weather man meekly. He mumbled about some kind of summer storm before I shut it off. Mikasa always loved the sound of thunder, she would insist that we go walking in the rain. I would only go with her if she held the umbrella. She wasn’t that expressive, not at all. But I saw a look she only got when she was getting ready for a race, or warming up to spar with me, or standing outside admiring the wetness. It was like she was charged with the same energy that gave the sky the ability to touch the ground. Her mouth was always stuck in that solid straight line but her eyes said enough. I finally understood what that look in her eyes was, when we met at the store, when her eyes flickered between me and Sam. 

I fell asleep to the sound of the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little later than I planned. Hope you enjoyed it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my beta found this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpFKjDhbD4Q&list=PLF3Piag571IvI7mHGpQWcW-zUBBDVaIdt&index=1
> 
> and its basically a song representation of this story and its kind of scary. Anyway I hope you enjoy the new chapter, you actually get some Mikasa and Annie together.

“All main roads will be closed, citizens should find shelter immediately. Police will be patrolling area for…” The rest of the news got drowned out as I walked away from it, my hand trembled slightly. I wiped sweat off my brow and washed my hands promptly. I couldn’t afford to be sloppy in such a prestigious grill. I replayed the words of the anchor in my head, glancing at the clock: 5:03 PM. I hoped and prayed that Armin got to pick Sammy up from school before the roads closed. She couldn’t be that long without someone. I fiddled with my phone in my half-apron pocket, tempted to call Armin to see if he had really made it.

“Waitress!” I almost ignored them, but I painted on a smile and greeted the customers appropriately. If I just stared at the spot right between their eyebrows, it almost looked like their face had disappeared. One of them had a unibrow. Most of them were rich and well off, so when the roads closed, it was only an excuse to pull out some expensive wine and wait for the storm to pass, confident it wouldn’t take long. I poured white wine for a family with doctors for children and they bellowed loudly. My head rung. I gathered dirty plates in my hands--pretending my arm wasn’t shaking--nodding when someone asked for more ice. I almost dropped my plates when a soft hand glided across my shoulder. It took all my willpower not to pin the person who touched me onto the ground.

“Annie?” When the world became clear again and the ringing stopped I saw Christa looking a little scared, her dainty fingers hovered over my shoulder. The place where she touched me felt like it was on fire, eating away at my flesh. I set the plates into the bin for the dishwasher and tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

“Sorry Christa, you scared me.” She doesn’t seem convinced.

“You look really pale. And tired. Maybe you should sit down for a bit… I can take over that table.” I traced the outline of my phone through my pocket. I ran the likelihood of Armin being late to anything. Impossible. He was too meticulous and careful to let something like that happen. He didn’t turn off the TV when the weatherman warned people about a storm. He searched it up online and prepared his whole day around it. Armin was like that. I didn’t have to worry. I exhaled through my nose and shook my head. The hair I tucked behind my ear fell loose again.

“No its ok, I’m just jumpy about the storm. Worried about the house.” She seemed to buy it and gave me a sympathetic nod.

“Yea, okay, I get it.” She thought I missed my father. Christa gave me a small rub on my shoulders, the kind of gesture only people as kind and sweet as her could do. Her touch ended up soothing me. Sammy’s okay. She’s fine. It’ll be fine. I tried to push apocalyptic scenarios out of my head as I got more ice for the rich people.

It took three hours for people to get restless. The few police officers who were assigned to keep citizens in wasn’t enough to keep out the horde of angry families, threatening to use their influence. Police call for back up, their walkie-talkies buzzing with all the commotion happening in the real world. I couldn’t help but keep my focus trained on the sounds, sifting through useless information and trying to pick up the useful, praying that I didn’t recognize any address being listed.

_“kschk--Royal Oak Theatres, requesting back up, a family of four is stuck in a car, can’t get out due to pressure--kschk”_

_“kschk--Labor Street, a tree has fallen, someone get the firefighters before this thing crashes into a house--kschk”_

_“kschk--Ranch Elementary School, a child just ran out into the street, blonde about five years old, had a bell around her neck, we need to start a search and rescue, requesting back up--kschk”_

My blood ran cold and the world turned white. I bolted up to the police officer whose walkie talkie had crackled, only a few of the businessmen with “really important meetings” were still trying to get out. Most had just accepted their fate and lumbered back to their seats, comforting each other. Worried about what would happen if this storm doesn’t end. The blood rushed to my head and I heard my heartbeat thumping loudly in my ears. I couldn’t hear anything else. I scrambled for the tall officer’s walkie talkie, aiming to speak into it before another report came in. I didn’t know what I was going to say but I didn’t care. Unfortunately the police officer was faster than I anticipated and he caught my wrist as I reached for it.

“Woah woah miss, what’s the matter? You look really pale, you should sit and wait for the storm to pass.”

_“kschk--Seven-eleven on the corner of St.Adams has flooded, citizens in need of aid, requesting backup--kschk”_

I let out a strangled cry, and more out of instinct, I tripped the officer over and pulled out his walkie talkie, taking advantage of his confusion. I pushed the rubber catch and spoke urgently into it.

“That kid at Ranch Elementary, is there anyone following her? Pl-” I don’t get to say anymore because the officer pinned onto the dusty floor of the grill, the side of my face pressed into scratchy carpet. I thrashed up, I couldn’t believe I let myself get pinned like this.

“Miss, please calm down, I know you’re scared--”

“What’s the matter Jefferson?” I numbed when I heard her voice again. She sounded different. Colder. As sharp as the knives that hung from a magnet in the kitchen, all it took was a strong current and all those knives go crashing down. Jefferson doesn’t budge from his hold on me but I’ve gone still. I could recognize that voice anywhere.

“Don’t worry about it, I think she was just scared-” I growled at him.

“Sam’s out there!” I twisted so that I could peer into the storm behind me, she tried to hide for just a moment when she realized who I was. “Mikasa. Please. She’s my everything.” _I left you for her. She’s all I have left. I can’t lose her too._ I saw her jaw clench and unclench tightly. I knew I was being cruel. But there was that powerful current raging behind frigid grey eyes. I was confident I could win her over. If anyone could help me find little Sammy it was her.

“Mika. Please.” And the knives dropped. I suddenly felt paralyzed when her sharp tongue ordered the officer off. I didn’t think she was the superior, but in that moment she demanded obedience. I didn’t get up even after his weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I waited until Mikasa picked me up. Her hands were as cold as her eyes.

“Do you have a picture?” I fumbled for control over my tongue. 

“It’ll be easier if I go with you.” She gave me a steely look, but I didn’t back down from her gaze. Even though it hurt to look at her this close to me. I should be over it, it was six years ago. I ended it. I did that. But even so, looking at her closely, she hadn’t changed. Her hair still glinted when wet, and it stuck to her ivory cheeks, held in a way that seemed so wild and dangerous. Her eyes were as turbulent as ever and when she was especially burdened by emotion, her mouth drew into a pale thin line. Her skin looked just as smooth as it had always been.

“Fine.” There was a burst of commotion from other business men, barking at me and the other officers that they “can’t believe you’re letting her go.” Christa and Jean peered curiously at me, wondering why I was leaving, too far away to really know what’s happening. I could already imagine Jean and Marco contemplating what it mean that we were talking again.

This town loved to gossip.

She threw her jacket over me and we were pelted by rain so hard that I thought I would drown. When we stepped down from the grill patio, I was almost knee deep in water. It only reached Mikasa’s shin. We reached a small tin boat with a shabby overhang that kept the rain out.

“How is the water this deep already?”

“A river broke its bank when there was too much rain.” She didn’t say anything more. The rest of the operation was in silence and once we were moving, the rain hit us both like bullets. Mikasa hid under her red scarf and the helmet that she was forced to wear. I wore the jacket over my head. I’m lucky Mikasa was a lot bigger than me, otherwise I would hardly have any protection from such a flimsy jacket. I wondered if I should give the jacket back, maybe accepting her help is too cruel. 

The ride was tense, almost tense enough for me to forget about Sammy. Adrenaline thundered through me and I didn’t know if it was because Sammy was out there somewhere, or maybe it was the cracking sound of thunder, or of it was all because of _her._ She was just as stoic and indifferent as ever. It was hard to tell exactly what kind of emotion she was showing, and silence polluted the area she stood, like it had always been. I thought it would snap and leave splinters on my skin if I spoke again.

The boat shuddered under me and the motor kept making noises as if it were full of coins, rattling harshly every time we bumped into drowned shrubbery. I almost missed the half covered wooden sign that read _Ranch Elementary School_. I tried standing up but the boat seemed to protest and threw me back down. I took a deep breath instead of trying to stand up again.

“Mikasa.”

“I know. What does she look like?” I stared at her broad back and wished she would turn around to look at me.

“Like me. Like when I was a kid.” I patted at my pockets and realized in my hurry to look for Sammy I had left my wallet behind. The rain was coming down too hard anyway. A picture would’ve been useless. “She has a bell around—“The boat lurched, interrupting me and throwing me right into Mikasa, who lost control of her own footing and barely caught us both from knocking our heads against the edges of the linoleum boat.

“Fuck.” I didn’t realize how much the cold had affected me until I tried to regain my footing, my hands were so numb I couldn’t even push myself of Mikasa. “Goddammit my hands are numb.” Mikasa was silent as she slowly steadied the both of us and I cussed at my incompetence again. Sammy needed me and what was I fucking doing? Mikasa was looking at what the boat had hit: concrete. The water wasn’t high enough to completely submerge parts of the school, even though it was still about an inch deep. Where would Sammy go in all this water? She doesn’t even know how to swim.

_Find her._

“You stay here. I’ll find her.” I almost fell again. Did I hear that right?

“What? You don’t even know-” She still won’t turn to look at me.

“You should’ve stayed back at the grill.”

“No, Mikasa, look, she’s out there all alone-”

“What other 5 year old is going to be out in this weather.”

“Mikasa I really do not have the time for this shit, Sammy is out there-” thunder flashed and she was looking at me. I tried not to shudder. If I did, it was because of the cold. It was because I’m worried I’ll never see Sammy ever again. She was closer. She was touching my shoulder. The rain was so cold. The rain was making it hard to see. Would the cold get to Sammy before the water does?

“Annie.” I couldn’t stop shivering. “I will bring her back to you.” I almost miss her firm hold when she sprinted off into the rain, screaming my daughter’s name. I don’t ever hear her voice above a monotonous flat tone. The rain violently drowned her voice out, and it swallowed her whole. I could only hear lakes and oceans crash down around me. And I sat there, waiting.

Mikasa was out there looking for her own source of pain.

My exit was ungraceful. Numb fingers betrayed me and my hand slipped, leaving me to smash against wet concrete. I think I hit my head because when I looked up I swore I saw a clear navy sky littered with stars. Summer stars. And then a frigid pain shot up my arm; I could smell the blood from my hand. I rolled onto my front and got up, my feet were working perfectly fine. So why was the world spinning from underneath me? I saw streaks of light stain the grey sky. Suddenly everything was quiet. No rain. No thunder. No Mikasa.

I swore I heard bells before the sky met the ground again.


End file.
